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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28201977">and i'm getting ready for when everything is wonderful</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tieriaerde/pseuds/tieriaerde'>tieriaerde</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gundam 00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1 year-ish after s2, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Suicidal Ideation, Trans Male Character, Trauma, and so is tieria but that's a given, both lockons are trans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 12:01:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,478</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28201977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tieriaerde/pseuds/tieriaerde</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em>This was something Lockon had been told, before he stopped going to therapy, that he had to work on: hiding everything, covering up all his problems on instinct because he hated the idea of having other people worry for him on principle. He couldn't keep doing this to the people he cared about, could he?<br/>Knowing that he had to change didn't make it any easier.<br/></em><br/>-<br/><br/>Lockon Stratos hasn't celebrated Christmas in sixteen years.</p><p>(title from Parade by The Antlers)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Dylandy/Tieria Erde, Tieria Erde &amp; Anew Returner, Tieria Erde &amp; Lyle Dylandy, background lyle/anew, neil dylandy &amp; lyle dylandy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. December 20, Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>inspired by these <a href="https://the-stray-liger.tumblr.com/post/181084092346/happy-holidays-allow-me-to-ruin-this-beautiful-day">christmas headcanons</a> by the-stray-liger on tumblr and beta read by my wonderful friend <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/neildylandy">adamantorb</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Do you have plans on Christmas?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the question that he'd been hoping Tieria wouldn't ask. It was one he was expecting, but knowing it was coming didn't make it any easier to come up with an answer, nor did it ease the pit of dread that it left forming in his stomach. The answer he gave was purely instinctual, a slightly edited version of a half-lie he'd grown accustomed to telling over the years. "Yeah, actually, I've got... sort of a trip planned that week," Lockon said. "Why do you ask?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, alright. I was just thinking..." Tieria leaned up against the kitchen counter, holding a mug of hot chocolate close to his face. Steam rose in billows from the top. "I'd like to spend some time with you and the others, since Allelujah and Marie are taking a break from travelling right now. I don't believe any of us celebrate Christmas, aside from the two of them, but still..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lockon forced his breathing to steady. His expression shifted into a smile on instinct. "So you just want an excuse to have a party?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I suppose I do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How superfluous of you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then it's fitting for a human."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lockon gave a little scoff of a laugh and watched as Tieria hid a pleased smile behind the mug in his hands, looking much too proud of himself for the small feat of making Lockon laugh. They were quiet for a second, soaking up the brief lightheartedness of the moment, before Tieria's expression sobered and he continued talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's fine that you're busy, but can I ask..." He paused. Lockon willed him not to notice how he had stiffened. "I never see you on Christmas. You always seem to have something to do. Is there a reason for that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I..." This was something Lockon had been told, before he stopped going to therapy, that he had to work on: hiding everything, covering up all his problems on instinct because he hated the idea of having other people worry for him on principle. It wasn't good for him, and it wasn't good for his relationships. He could tell Tieria the truth if he wanted to — he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He couldn't keep doing this to the people he cared about, could he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Knowing that he had to change didn't make it any easier. "It's just a tradition of mine — travelling for the holidays and all that. Been doing it for years."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For his credit, it wasn't untrue, but it was certainly still a lie, and he figured they both knew it. But even so, Tieria wasn't the person he'd been years ago — the person who would purposefully go pressing all of Lockon's buttons just because he noticed that they were there. This time, he didn't pry. "We can do something another time, then," he suggested. "If you're alright with that. Maybe we can do something for New Year's Eve, if you'll be back by then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know," he said. That much, at least, was true. "It'd be nice to see the other Meisters again, but I'm not sure when I'll be back yet. I'll try to keep you posted?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, that's fine." Lockon fixed his gaze down at the floor, but he couldn't shake the feeling of Tieria's worried eyes on him. They were both silent for a moment that lasted far too long before Lockon heard Tieria set the mug down on the counter. When Lockon glanced back at him, he looked like he wanted badly to say something. Silently, he hoped that he wouldn't.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So... when are you leaving?" Tieria asked, oblivious to Lockon's inner thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn't planned that far ahead — normally, he came to Ireland to avoid people this time of year, but that plan didn't hold up as well now that he lived there with Tieria. Since that part had fallen through, he wasn't sure what he would do at all. He hedged around the truth — "I'm not sure yet. Before Christmas Eve, probably."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's... not a lot of time," Tieria said. Lockon forced himself not to wince when he saw the poorly concealed worry on his face. "Quite the short notice, considering you don't even know when you'll be back, isn't it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry," he said, and he was. "Hopefully I won't be gone all that long. Don't miss me too much, alright?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to worry yourself over that," Tieria scoffed. "I'll be perfectly fine." His expression when Lockon laughed again betrayed the lie all on its own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't know what to make of that. He tried not to think too much about it. "Yeah, yeah. Really, I'm sorry for the trouble."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria hesitated for a moment. "It's alright. I just — would've liked to know, that's all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were quiet. Neither one would meet the other's gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Isn't your drink going to get cold?" Lockon asked. He could see from where he was sitting on the arm of the couch that the mug was still half full.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It is," Tieria said. He didn't move to pick it back up. "It wasn't very good. The store-bought hot chocolate mix is mediocre at best."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're such a perfectionist," Lockon sighed. "There's not that much of a difference between store-bought and homemade. Besides, you're supposed to make it with milk, not water."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It says on the box that you can use water. You're not </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to use one or the other," he protested. "And tap water is free. There's a clearly correct choice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're the one who's complaining about it, though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria only responded to that with an indignant huff. Seemingly out of spite, he picked his drink back up and took a sip. He peered into the mug dubiously. "...It's lukewarm."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Told you," Lockon sighed blithely. "You want me to drink the rest?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria waved him off with one hand. "No, I'll finish it. I made it, so it's my responsibility."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His seriousness startled a laugh out of Lockon. "Alright, but it's really not that big of a deal. It's just hot chocolate. Lukewarm chocolate now, anyway."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria scoffed good-naturedly at the poor excuse for a pun. He seemed, at the very least, a little less worried about Lockon now. He should leave him alone for now, then, or the conversation might circle back around again — he'd figure something out later, a plan that wouldn't worry Tieria so much. "Do you need anything else?" he asked. "I think I'm gonna turn in for the night."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, go ahead. I'll be sleeping soon as well," Tieria said. "Goodnight, Neil."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Night, Tieria."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt the pressure sink back into his bones as soon as the bedroom door clicked shut behind him. With a heavy sigh and lead in his limbs, he fell onto his bed. He was alone with his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd been avoiding thinking about what time of year it was all week, but maybe that had been a bad decision, in hindsight. All he'd been doing was trying to protect his own feelings — wasn't that selfish of him, to ignore something so important just because he didn't want to think about it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't about the holiday — or, it wasn't just about the holiday. It was about her, just like everything else lately — from the apartment he shared with Tieria, to the town they lived in, to that stupid joke about the hot chocolate that she would have hated but laughed at anyway, to the name he threw away years ago that he'd been expected to take back up again after everything was over, as if he'd done anything at all to earn it.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Neil," his mother said slowly, as if testing it out. "It's a nice name. Is there a reason you picked that, or...?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yeah, Amy picked it for me!" He rocked back and forth on his heels. "She said it means 'champion'. Cool, right?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Champion," she repeated thoughtfully. "It suits you. I think it's perfect, Neil."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He could still remember how proud he'd been of that name that she chose for him, when he decided he couldn't use the one his parents gave him when he and Lyle were born. It was his, after all, and it meant something special to him — at the time, it even felt like he maybe deserved it. Now, the closest he could get to that feeling of pride was an aching sense of longing that ran through him like a bullet in his chest. Now, when anyone called him Neil, all he could feel about it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>awful.</span>
  </em>
  <span> At worst, it was a name that he'd failed to properly earn; at best, all it did was remind him of everything else that he'd lost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was a good thing that people were calling him that again, then. After all, didn't he deserve to be reminded of how he'd failed them? Didn't he need to be reminded, if he kept ignoring things like </span>
  <em>
    <span>his sister's birthday</span>
  </em>
  <span> for such selfish reasons? Even putting aside how horrible he must be for avoiding thinking about her for so long, his lack of thought had made Tieria worried for him now, too. It wasn't fair to burden Tieria with something like this, something that didn't and shouldn't involve him — how could Lockon ask someone like him to bear the weight of his problems, especially ones that were all of his own making?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, while he sorted all this out, he'd stay as far away from Tieria as possible. Wasn't that the only right thing to do to make up for what he'd already done? He was supposed to be the one helping Tieria, not the other way around, and now he'd caused him distress that he didn't deserve. He had to make it better — he had to </span>
  <em>
    <span>fix</span>
  </em>
  <span> it, and the only way he could think to do that was to keep his distance so that he couldn't make things even worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't much of a plan. He still had no idea of where he would go and when, but he knew now what he should do — what he had to do. He'd stay one more day, at least; Tieria deserved more than a day's warning before Lockon left. But he wouldn't overstay his welcome.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd think it all over again tomorrow, when his head was clearer. Maybe, when he woke up, things would seem just a bit less awful.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. December 21, Midnight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tieria needs some advice.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks as always to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/neildylandy/">adamantorb</a> for beta reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[ 12:23 A.M. ]<br/>
<b>Tieria Erde:</b> Lyle Dylandy.<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> what's up tieria erde<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> isn't it past midnight where you are? why are you up <b><br/>
</b> <b>Tieria Erde:</b> Can I visit you and Anew? I want to talk to you about something.<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> i mean yeah sure<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy: </b> anew would be happy to see you<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> when? we're available pretty much whenever<br/>
<b>Tieria Erde:</b> Right now, if that's okay.<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> excuse me<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> ??<br/>
<b>Tieria Erde:</b> Just give me a few minutes.</p><p>[ 12:39 A.M. ]<br/>
<b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> tieria is that you outside. did you just ring the doorbell<br/>
<b>Tieria Erde:</b> Let me in, please.</p><p>Lyle was still holding his phone in one hand when he swung the front door open. "Okay, how the hell did you get here so fast? You haven't just been waiting out here, right? <em> Right, </em> Tieria? You live in Ireland, for fuck's sake."</p><p>Tieria ignored the question. "Can I ask a favor of you?"</p><p>"I — that depends on what you're asking for, man. Come in, I don't want to let all this cold air in." Lyle stepped back to let Tieria in and shut the door behind him. He left his shoes neatly lined up by the doorstep. Lyle had told him plenty of times that there was no particular need to take his shoes off in the house when he visited, but he staunchly refused to even entertain that thought. "Anew's making coffee right now, do you want some?"</p><p>"I'll pass, but thank you." As they passed by the kitchen, Tieria spotted Anew through the doorway. Lyle looked at her with such fondness that Tieria briefly wondered if perhaps her coffee was secretly otherworldly in quality and he should have taken Lyle up on that offer after all.</p><p>
  <em> I wonder if I look at Neil like that. </em>
</p><p>The train of thought was gone as soon as it had come to him, and he was left to question why he had thought it in the first place. He resolved to ignore it for now — there were matters more pressing and more important to consider right now than a stray thought.</p><p>Lyle led him around to the back door, and they sat down by the round table on the porch. With the money Celestial Being had given them to start their own life together, the couple had bought a house on America's western coast. It was much nicer, and much less modest, than the small apartment that Neil and Tieria had been living in for the past year — they both were used to the rather sparse accommodations of the Ptolemy, and they had no reason to want much more, so <em> sparse </em> was what they stuck with. Lyle and Anew, of course, were similarly accustomed to the Ptolemy's conditions, which was why it had come as a surprise to Tieria that the place where they chose to live was so extravagant in comparison. Anew especially, who had never known anything but the Ptolemy, didn't seem like the type to seek out more than just what she needed — she and Tieria were similar in that way. He'd asked Lyle about it, once, and he remembered his answer even now.</p><p>
  <em> "I want her to have everything," he said. "You know what it was like for her, right? She's not used to wanting things for herself, because she was always just... a tool for the Innovators to use. She never asks anything of me, and it's... I mean, it's awful, you know? I want her to be able to want things out of life, but I don't think any of that even occurs to her. So, I've decided, if she can't want more than the bare minimum, then I'll just do it for her — at least, until she figures out for herself what she really wants. If she decides in the end that she'd rather live in a tiny apartment in the city or something like that, then we'll do that. But I thought that she should get to experience this kind of life, too, before she makes that decision." </em>
</p><p>Lyle and Tieria hadn't started off on the best foot. When Setsuna recruited Lyle to replace Neil as a Gundam Meister without consulting anyone beforehand, Tieria had been off-put and Neil had been furious. Unsure what to think of this crass, often abrasive lookalike of Lockon Stratos, Tieria had kept his distance and done his best to follow Neil's thoughts on the matter. They had always tolerated each other enough to work together, but it wasn't until then that Tieria began to trust Lyle as not just a coworker, but as a fellow Gundam Meister. That, Tieria supposed, was when he had become comfortable going to him for advice.</p><p>"So... what did you need?" Lyle asked, startling him out of his memories. </p><p>Tieria tried not to flush. For all the rush he had been in to talk to Lyle, it was embarrassing that he'd gotten distracted from the heart of the matter so easily — and yet, part of him insisted that it still wasn't as embarrassing as actually saying any of this out loud. He hesitated for a moment longer before he started to speak, and his words came out slowly as he deliberated over each one.</p><p>"For as long as I've known him... your brother always seems to avoid people around Christmas time," he said. "I've never celebrated the holiday myself, so I didn't think much of it at first, but —"</p><p>"Okay, no, no, stop," Lyle said. He had seemed nervous, maybe even reluctant, from the start of the conversation, but his expression now had become stern. "Is that really what you came all this way for? Listen, I know we've all got problems with my brother being cagey, but you can't go behind his back to ask me about things like this. He'll talk to you about it when he's ready, and it's not my place or yours to make that choice for him. He's already having a hard time right now as it is. And —"</p><p>"Lyle, hold on." Tieria cut him off before he could continue his lecture. "I appreciate your care for your brother, but that really wasn't my intention. You're making rather unfair assumptions about me."</p><p>"Am I?" His expression didn't waver.</p><p>"I'm not here to probe about Neil's past, or yours," Tieria insisted. "I just want your advice."</p><p>"My... advice." His face had shifted, now, from stern to dumbfounded. "So — so you took a transatlantic flight from Dublin to California for... what, relationship advice? I mean, that's better than what I was thinking, but that's still one hell of a reason to come all this way. Seriously, you could have just called me."</p><p>He shrugged. "I don't like phone calls. And Neil and I aren't in a relationship."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"...Why are you looking at me like that?"</p><p>Lyle put his face in his hands. "God, I feel bad for you two. Never mind that — what exactly are you asking me for advice on? You guys aren't having a fight over this, are you?"</p><p>"No, nothing like that. I just..." He tried not to be too embarrassed by the blush he felt coloring his cheeks. "I'm not sure what I should do about it, if anything. I want him to know he can talk to me about it, but I don't want to pressure him, or make him feel as if he's being forced to explain himself. I would hate to make him feel uncomfortable after all he's done for me."</p><p>"Why don't you just tell him that, then?" Lyle asked. "Seems easy enough to me."</p><p>"It's not that simple, is it?"</p><p>He shrugged nonchalantly. "Everything's simple. Just be honest with him."</p><p>Tieria sighed. "Maybe you're right. I think I'm just... afraid to do something wrong. He's very important to me." It felt strange to say that out loud, as if something in his chest was threatening to burst with an emotion he couldn't quite name.</p><p>"Well, I'm glad he has you," Lyle said. There was a sudden, uncharacteristic softness in his voice. "Neil's not good at... this. Asking for help and all that. And I'm not very good at helping him, either. We always call on Christmas, but I know he doesn't tell me everything. So, thanks for being there. There's a lot more you can do for him in Ireland than I can do from over here in America."</p><p>"There's no need to thank me." Even so, Lyle's gratefulness made him feel warm. A smile came to his face unbidden. "I'm only returning his kindness from past years. It's the least I can do."</p><p>"Still, it's nice to know that my brother's got people like you in his corner. Thanks. And as far as advice goes..." Lyle smiled back at him. "Just keep doing what you're doing. Be there for him and all that. That's all I can tell you. And, Tieria?"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"You're important to him too," Lyle said. "He cares a lot about you."</p><p>"Does he now," Tieria said softly. That unnamed <em> something </em>in his chest had returned. "Thank you, Lyle."</p><p>"Just telling the truth. But hey, do you want to stay and hang out for a bit? We've got time if you do," he said. "Like I said, Anew would be happy to talk to you. It's been a while."</p><p>"I'll say hello to her on my way out, but I think I should head back to Ireland sooner rather than later," Tieria admitted. "Neil said that he's going on a trip some time before Christmas Eve, and I don't know when he's leaving or when he's coming back. I'd like to spend some time with him before then, if possible."</p><p>"You got it. We won't keep you here, then. And listen — he might be gone for a while, so... if you get lonely or anything, you can always crash here," Lyle offered.</p><p>"Everyone keeps assuming I'll be lonely without Neil at home," Tieria muttered. "Why is that?"</p><p>"Yeah," Lyle said, looking far too amused. "I wonder."</p><p>He wasn't going to bother trying to figure out what that meant. He pushed his chair away and stood up; Lyle did the same a second later. "Thanks again for the help," Tieria said. "I really do appreciate it."</p><p>"It's no problem," Lyle said. "What are friends for, right?"</p><p><em> Friends. </em> What a lovely word. "You're right," he said with a smile that came to him much easier than it had when he first arrived on their doorstep. "Then, I'll see you later, Lyle."</p><p>"Yeah." Lyle returned the smile with a grin of his own. "Good luck, Tieria."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. December 21, Morning + Afternoon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lockon makes some impulsive decisions. Tieria asks for advice — again.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Lockon woke up at 7:33 A.M. from a nightmare that he couldn't remember, he didn't feel better, and his head didn't feel any clearer. That amalgamation of dread, anger, and guilt that had been creeping up on him all week hadn't left him; in fact, its hold had only grown stronger overnight.</p>
<p>This was how he found himself sitting on his bedroom floor a few minutes before 8 A.M., searching up airplane tickets to anywhere with his phone in one hand while he haphazardly packed a suitcase full of clothes that he knew he would be too depressed to change into with the other hand. He'd told himself he'd stay for another day, and he really had meant to stick to those words. But as far as his half-awake, racing mind was concerned, this was the only reasonable course of action: to get as far away as he could, so that no one but him would have to be subjected to the tidal wave that was about to crash in — to the <em> bomb </em>that was about to go off in his chest.</p>
<p>He regretted the metaphor as soon as it came to mind. He wanted to throw up.</p>
<p>At 9:29 A.M., he left his room and made a beeline for the front door, dragging his suitcase behind him. He meant to leave as quickly and as quietly as possible, but those goals fell apart with a loud <em> clunk </em> as one of the wheels of his suitcase caught on the corner of the kitchen counter. He stumbled and barely caught himself on the couch in front of him. "<em>Shit,</em>" he hissed under his breath.</p>
<p>Tieria's bedroom door creaked open not long after. He'd always been a light sleeper. As he stepped out, eyes still half-closed and voice low from drowsiness, he mumbled, "Is everything..." He trailed off halfway through the question. "Oh. Neil?"</p>
<p>"I'm leaving," Lockon blurted out. "Sorry, I —" He realized too late that he wasn't smiling, and he had to stop and fix his expression before he kept talking. He hoped it looked reassuring instead of manic. "You got back pretty late last night, so... I didn't want to wake you up just to tell you I was heading out. I was going to text you."</p>
<p>Tieria looked wide awake now. "Oh," he said. "And you still don't know when you'll be back?"</p>
<p>"Yeah." The look on his face was more than enough to make Lockon feel guilty, but it wasn't enough to make him change his mind about this plan.</p>
<p>"Where are you going?"</p>
<p>"Uh —" Lockon glanced at his phone. "Maryland. Some place on America's east coast, by the Chesapeake Bay. I can send you a copy of my flight information if you're concerned about safety?"</p>
<p>"I'm... sure, I'd appreciate that," Tieria said quietly. There was a look in his eyes that wasn't quite anxious, but Lockon couldn't place what exactly it was.</p>
<p>Whatever it was, he had to try to fix it before he left. "Don't worry too much," he chided. "You'll be fine on your own."</p>
<p>Tieria looked at him incredulously. "That's the least of my concerns right now," he said. "I'm worried about <em> you, </em> Neil."</p>
<p>And he... didn't know what to say to that. "I mean, airport security isn't much of an issue nowadays —"</p>
<p>"That's not what I mean," Tieria said sternly. "Will you take care of yourself on your trip?"</p>
<p>"Sure I will." The lie came out before he even processed that it was one. "Seriously, Tieria, I don't know why you're so worried about me, but I'll be fine. Trust me. And besides, it's only a week or two. No big deal, right?"</p>
<p>"Alright," he said begrudgingly. "Just... let me know if you need anything."</p>
<p>With no intention of taking him up on that offer, Lockon said, "Thanks, Tieria. I'll see you soon."</p>
<p>"Right. See you soon."</p>
<p>The flight he'd booked wasn't due to leave for a number of hours, because even when he was barely conscious and on the edge of a panic attack, Lockon still had the foresight granted by years of travelling on missions for Celestial Being to give himself more extra time than he needed before flights. In a roundabout sort of way, he was grateful now for all the times Sumeragi had nagged him about it in the past; on instinct, he'd left himself more time than he knew what to do with, so he should have enough time to do one more thing before he left Ireland. It was a small country — the town where Lyle and Neil Dylandy grew up wasn't far from Dublin. It took a little less than an hour to get there, and he walked the rest of the way to the cemetery.</p>
<p>"...Hey. Mom, Dad... Amy." He knelt down by the headstone and looked at the ground so that he didn't have to see their names staring down at him. "Sorry I couldn't bring flowers or anything today. Some brother I am, right?"</p>
<p>Lockon didn't believe in an afterlife when he could help it. It had always seemed like a little too much to wish for, a little too good to be true — a little more kind than he deserved. It would be too painful to believe in something so precarious, he thought, and no shred of hope it gave him would be enough to make up for that pain.</p>
<p>But it was hard, sometimes, not to hope. On bad days, he let himself lean on old superstitions. On the worst days, he became a fervent believer, clinging to any thought or tale that could reassure him even slightly that maybe, one day, he'd see them again.</p>
<p>Today wasn't one of those days. He was trying not to let it be one of those days.</p>
<p>He was silent for a long time as he knelt in front of their grave. He'd come all this way, and for what? To mope? To pretend that, even though he barely visited now, even though he'd done nothing for them his entire life, he still deserved to be here in front of them at all?</p>
<p>He was so tired of himself. This had been a stupid idea; he'd only come here to make himself feel better, and now he'd failed at even that. When he finally stood back up to leave, he couldn't stop himself from muttering another quiet apology to Amy and his parents before he turned and walked away. "Sorry," he said quietly. "For..."</p>
<p>He trailed off. There wasn't anything he could say to finish that sentence — or rather, there was too much to say. He smiled, because he didn't know what else to do. "Happy early birthday, Amy. And... Merry Christmas."</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>"He wasn't even going to tell you he was leaving?"</p>
<p>"No, I suppose not." Tieria was trying not to be upset about that. When he glanced up at her, he could see that Anew's expression was troubled. "To be honest, when he said he was leaving before Christmas Eve, I didn't think he meant he would leave the very next day. Maybe that was my mistake, for assuming."</p>
<p>"I don't think it was an unreasonable assumption to make," Anew said. "I would have thought the same thing."</p>
<p>Tieria sighed and watched as Anew and Lyle exchanged worried glances. "Maybe."</p>
<p>"And do you know if he's back on the ground yet?" Lyle asked.</p>
<p>"Yes, actually. He texted me an hour or so ago, before I came here." In spite of the sour mood he'd been in all morning, he still felt a fond smile tugging the corners of his mouth upwards as he opened his text messages with Neil and turned his phone so that Anew and Lyle could see it from where they were standing over the couch.</p>
<p>[ 10:16 A.M. ]<br/><b>Neil Dylandy sent an image.</b> <b><br/></b> <b>Neil Dylandy:</b> free from the airport! <b><br/></b> <b>Neil Dylandy:</b> you'd think they'd have figured out how to stick tau drives onto planes by now but nah<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> transatlantic flights are still like 5+ hours<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> I don't think it's that simple. Pseudo-solar reactors weren't exactly designed for non-mobile suit aircraft.<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> okay yeah but like<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> it's the 24th century.... come on<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> Anyway, you have somewhere to stay, right?<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> ??yes why would i not lmao??<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> i booked a hotel room before i left?<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> i will be fineee tieria<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> Just making sure.<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> Thanks for texting me.<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> yeah np, i said i'd keep you posted<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> okay i have to go ctach a cab or something though it's fucking. COLD<br/><b>Neil Dylandy:</b> i'll talk to you later<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> See you.</p>
<p>Lyle had that strange, amused look on his face again as he looked back at Tieria. "...Got it. I'm glad he's keeping you in the loop, at least."</p>
<p>"It's just because he doesn't want me to worry," Tieria guessed. "I would be too concerned for him otherwise. That's what I think, anyway." Still, the fact that Neil had reached out at all made him happy.</p>
<p>"Yeah, probably," Lyle sighed. "Good to know he got there fine, though."</p>
<p>"Right." He set his phone back down on the coffee table. "So what do you two think about all this?"</p>
<p>It was a moment longer before either of them spoke. "I have about as much experience with things like this as you do, Tieria, so I don't know how helpful my input is," Anew said, "but... You're close with him, aren't you? To take off like that with such little warning is... at the very least, it seems like there's something else going on that you should be concerned about."</p>
<p>"I thought so, too, but I don't want to pry if he doesn't want to talk about it. Besides, conversations like that are... something I'd prefer to have in person. And since he's away now..." Tieria trailed off with a sigh. "I just feel like there isn't anything I can do to help, and that's troubling me. Am I being too — I don't know. Is it patronizing to be so concerned for him? Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit."</p>
<p>"You're just worried about him," she said gently. "That's not patronizing, it's sweet."</p>
<p>"You're giving him plenty of credit," Lyle interjected. "My brother is kind of a disaster. And even if he wasn't, the circumstances are..." He grimaced, and his voice was softer when he continued. "I mean, I'd be more surprised if he was doing just fine right now. I know <em> I'm </em> not."</p>
<p>Anew took his hand. Tieria sat up a little to look up at him. "Lyle, are you —"</p>
<p>"I'll be okay," Lyle assured him. "Christmas is always hard, but... I'll get through it. I've got a support system and all that. If you've gotta be worried about someone, worry about Neil — he needs it, I bet."</p>
<p>"...Alright," Tieria said. "If you're sure."</p>
<p>"Yeah. Still, though — thanks, Tieria."</p>
<p>"<em>What are friends for, right?  </em>...is what I believe you said to me when I thanked <em> you </em> for your help last time," Tieria said. "The same sentiment stands."</p>
<p>For a moment, Lyle looked almost surprised by his words, but his expression quickly settled into a warm smile. "I guess you're right about that. And, listen — you probably know Neil the best out of anyone. I've got a sense of what he's like and all, but my knowledge is... kind of outdated. So don't be so unsure of yourself — just do what you think is best."</p>
<p>"And if you think he needs help, you should do something about it," Anew added. "It's good that you care so much about him, but you have to show it, too. Even if you can't be with him physically right now, there's other things you can do, right?"</p>
<p>"You're right," Tieria sighed. "Thank you — both of you." He reached for his phone and turned it over in his hands. "It wouldn't be too overbearing to ask him if he's gotten to the hotel safely, would it?"</p>
<p>"That sounds perfectly fine," Anew reassured him.</p>
<p>"Once you're done with that, though — have you had dinner yet?" Lyle asked. "It's around the time we usually have lunch, so if you're hungry..."</p>
<p>"No, I haven't," he said, sitting up a bit straighter. "I'd be happy to join you."</p>
<p>His eagerness betrayed the real reason that he had come here — not for advice, but for something to quell his loneliness. For all Tieria's confidence that he would be fine on his own, Neil's absence in their home didn't go unnoticed, and it hadn't taken long for the silence to get to him. Even now, his mind still was rife with anxiety.</p>
<p>Throughout the rest of the day, a combination of his loneliness and his worry for Neil kept Tieria on edge. He kept hoping that he was doing the right thing — that, despite how powerless he felt, he could do <em> something </em> to help from the other side of the country.</p>
<p>Most of all, he hoped that Neil would let him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. December 21, Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lockon thinks about some things. Not all of them are pleasant.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warning for <strong>suicidal ideation</strong> in this chapter -- nothing graphic or extreme, but it's there. neil is not having the best vacation and i apologize</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was an obvious conclusion, right? What kind of idiot goes on a weeks-long trip without figuring out where they'll be staying first?</p><p>"Yeah," Lockon muttered under his breath. "What an idiot."</p><p>He wasn't sure yet if he'd neglected to make those arrangements out of forgetfulness or a purposeful lack of care for his own safety, but either way, he was functionally stranded until he did so. At the very least, time differences made it so that night hadn't yet fallen when he landed in Maryland, in spite of the 6 hour flight.</p><p>It wasn't even as if he <em> couldn't </em>find some place to stay, or that it wouldn't be easy; he had his phone and his wallet in his inner coat pocket, and it wouldn't be that difficult to locate a hotel nearby. For whatever reason, though, that wasn't what he did — instead, nearly an hour after he had arrived, he was still aimlessly wandering the streets of the ancient shopping district he'd ended up in. According to a pamphlet he picked up at the airport, this part of the city had last been renovated in the 22nd century in response to heavy rainfalls causing continual flooding in the area. Flooding had been a problem there since early in the 21st century, but the city's history kept them from doing anything but simply repairing the damage after each flood until the problem became too much to ignore.</p><p>The story unsettled him, but he wasn't sure why. It was perfectly safe now, and had been for longer than he'd been alive. Besides, it was cold enough that any precipitation would come in the form of snow rather than rain — he had no reason to worry about floods.</p><p>Still, he couldn't shake an uneasy feeling. (Though, he reasoned, he wouldn't <em> really </em> mind if the city flooded, would he? He'd probably even welcome it.) It pricked at the back of his mind as he walked through the city, lingering in the peripheral despite his best efforts to calm those formless worries.</p><p>It was only a matter of time before he found himself at a bar. There was really nothing sadder than a man alone at a bar in the middle of the day four days before Christmas, was there?</p><p>Well, that was fine. At least all the other sorry saps in there with him had the courtesy not to give a damn about him or his problems. He sat in silence at the bar counter, staring ruefully into his second glass of whiskey and trying not to think.</p><p>It was a hopeless endeavor from the start. All he'd been doing lately was <em> thinking. </em></p><p>The fact that Tieria was the first person who came to his mind wasn't a surprise, but it aggravated him nonetheless. The more he thought about him, the less he felt like he knew what he was supposed to think — the farther he felt from an answer he understood.</p><p>Tieria Erde was in love with him. He knew that already. Everything Tieria did, he did with a level of unshakable sincerity, and though he seemed not to realize it himself, he wore his feelings on his sleeve. He was hopelessly transparent — of course Lockon had noticed, even as Tieria remained oblivious to his own feelings. He just didn't know what to <em> do </em> about it.</p><p>When Miss Sumeragi asked him, after everything was over, whether Tieria would be coming with him when he left, his answer was instantaneous. He hadn't even had to think about it. "Of course," he'd said, as if it was a foregone conclusion. Of course he wanted Tieria there with him; of course they would stay together after the Gundam Meisters were dismissed; of course he wouldn't go anywhere if Tieria wasn't right there with him. It was obvious.</p><p>It had been a poor decision in hindsight, one he made just because he wanted it badly enough not to think about anything else beforehand. He didn't regret it, not really — Tieria had needed him, and he still did. He wasn't so idiotic that he couldn't see that.</p><p>But he kept waking up and feeling happy about the life he was living, and it made him sick. He had never felt so guilty as he had on that first morning in Dublin, when he woke up and got to watch the sun rise on a healing world that Amy and his parents would never get to see. He couldn't help but think that it was unforgivable that he survived this long. He couldn't help but think how <em> unfair </em> it was that they hadn't.</p><p>It wasn't as if he'd done anything to deserve this life, either. His brother certainly had; he'd done exactly what Lockon had failed to do so long ago, in fact. He'd killed the man responsible for everything they'd ever lost. Any worries Lyle had ever had about being the lesser of the two seemed inconsequential now, after all that.</p><p>He didn't know how he felt about that, either. How was he <em> supposed </em> to feel about his life's only purpose being fulfilled by someone else? It wasn't spite that he felt — he wasn't so selfish as to wish Lyle hadn't done what he did. As long as Ali al-Saachez was dead, it didn't matter why. But he certainly felt <em> useless, </em>and he didn't know why he had lived at all if not to avenge his family. The last thing Sumeragi had said to them, the day they all went their separate ways, often came to his mind during times like these: "Take care of yourselves, now. You've earned it."</p><p>He hadn't earned anything. It wasn't fair that they would never get to know how the world had changed. It wasn't fair that life kept going, even long after theirs had ended. It wasn't fair that he got to be happy and move on while they were still <em> dead. </em></p><p>His phone vibrated in his coat pocket, rousing him from his spiralling train of thought. With a heavy sigh, he took it out and flipped it open as his thoughts continued downwards on their track in the background.</p><p>[ 3:02 P.M. ]<br/><b>tieria:</b> Did you get to the hotel safely?</p><p>He pondered the question for a moment as the words came into focus. He must not have done a good job of making Tieria stop worrying so much about him. He squinted at the screen and pushed past the fog in his brain that was half alcohol and half his own thoughts, trying to type out a reply that was at least comprehensible.</p><p>[ 3:04 P.M. ]<b><br/></b> <b>neil:</b> yeah im all good!<br/><b>tieria:</b> That's good to hear.<br/><b>tieria:</b> How have you been doing? Are you experiencing jet lag?<br/><b>neil:</b> no jet lag here 👍<br/><b>neil:</b> we are Good i ve had coffee<br/><b>neil:</b> after i got here i mean <b><br/></b> <b>tieria: </b> Isn't it better to let your body naturally adjust to the time difference? <b><br/></b> <b>neil:</b> its not thaat big of a deal <b><br/></b> <b>neil: </b> caffeine doesnt actually work that well on me anyway itl wear off pretty quick <b><br/></b> <b>tieria:</b> If you say so.</p><p>It was true that caffeine had never worked well for him, but he hadn't actually had any coffee, anyway, unless he was severely misremembering what had been in the two now-empty glasses in front of him. He was annoyed at himself for lying, and he was even more annoyed at Tieria for caring so much.</p><p>...But he wasn't, really. He just felt too guilty to be grateful.</p><p>[ 3:09 P.M. ]<br/><b>tieria:</b> By the way, I thought I should let you know that I'm staying with Lyle and Anew for a bit.<br/><b>tieria:</b> Lyle invited me when he heard about your trip.<br/><b>neil:</b> oh that''s nice of him<br/><b>tieria:</b> Yes, though I don't know why people keep assuming I'll be too lonely to function without you around.<br/><b>neil: </b> i'm just insanely popular clearly<br/><b>neil: </b> everyone always wants to talk to me all the time its nothing personsl<br/><b>tieria: </b> I feel like you're making more typing errors than you usually do.<br/><b>neil:</b> coffee mayy be wearing off quicker than i thought it would<br/><b>tieria:</b> You should get some rest.<br/><b>neil:</b> maybe i will  do that<br/><b>neil:</b> yeah<br/><b>neil:</b> have fun third wheeling then!<br/><b>tieria:</b> That's the plan.<br/><b>tieria:</b> Rest well.</p><p>As he slipped his phone back into his pocket, he was suddenly acutely aware of how exhausted he was. Maybe he would follow Tieria's suggestion after all — he needed to find himself a place to stay some time today, anyway.</p><p>But he didn't do that. He was tired, or he was drunk, or maybe he was just depressed, and so the longer he thought about getting up and going anywhere, the less he wanted to do it at all. So he kept sitting there, and he kept thinking. Of course the only thing he <em> didn't </em> want to be doing right now was the only thing that he couldn't stop himself from doing, and of course the first thought that came to him was one of the ones he'd been avoiding for a long, long time.</p><p>
  <em> Do you love him back? </em>
</p><p>That question was unfairly, deceptively simple. He should be able to answer it with just one word — <em> yes </em> or <em> no. </em> So, why couldn't he?</p><p>He hadn't intended on getting as close to Tieria as he did. He'd recognized before anyone else, back when he first joined Celestial Being, that there was something more to Tieria past the cold, harsh exterior he put up, and he was the first person to try to coax that <em> something </em>out of him. Tieria held a sense of insufferable superiority over everyone around him, but Lockon had understood from the outset that those feelings were so strong only because they'd never been challenged before. They fell apart the moment something went wrong, and when that happened, Lockon was there. A bit of guidance, a few kind words — that was all Tieria needed to get onto the right path. So that was what Lockon gave him, and he only had to stand by and watch as Tieria took that little bit of encouragement and used it to change himself from that arrogant, spiteful person to the beacon of kindness and humanity that he was now.</p><p>He supposed that was the reason that his answer to that question should be <em>no. </em>It was also the reason that it wasn't. Because Tieria didn't need him anymore — or, he shouldn't. He'd barely needed Lockon in the first place. Tieria didn't deserve someone like him, and he didn't deserve someone like Tieria, and he hated himself for being selfish enough to tell Sumeragi <em>yes</em> when she asked if Tieria would be moving with him to Dublin. <em>Yes,</em> as in <em>yes,</em> <em>I want Tieria to stay with me</em> — as in <em>yes, I want to keep him in my life for as long as I can</em> — as in <em>yes, I want to wake up every morning and know he's right there in the other room</em> —</p><p>— as in <em> yes, of course I love him back. How could I not? </em></p><p>It wasn't love, at first, and he didn't know when it had become love. It had been so much simpler in the beginning — all he'd wanted back then was to get to know the Gundam Meister who, more than anyone else on the Ptolemaios, seemed dead set on not getting close to any of them. He wanted to learn more about him, first, and then he wanted to help him, and then suddenly years had passed and he'd succeeded in helping him but without changing at all himself, and Tieria deserved far better than someone like him. How could he, who had spilled so much blood over the years all for nothing, who had failed at the one thing he'd stayed alive to do for over a decade, who had already been forced to step down as a Gundam Meister by the time that Celestial Being actually succeeded in changing the world — how could he ever believe that he had earned the love that Tieria so obviously wanted to give him?</p><p>He should have died years ago — if not on the day of the terrorist attack, then hundreds of times over since then, from the countless near-death experiences he'd had in the AEU's military, to the armed interventions with Celestial Being, all the way to that last standoff with Ali al-Saachez that he never got to have. He'd known, through all of it, that he could die on the battlefield — that it was likely, even. At some point, he not only accepted it, but expected it, too.</p><p>But he never did die. Through some bizarre, unfair miracle, Lockon Stratos kept on surviving, and now he was here, forced to grapple with the consequences of this life that he hadn't ever planned on living while he held back everyone around him with his own inability to move on. Lyle was worried, and Tieria was worried, and wasn't it awful that even despite his best efforts, he was <em> still </em> burdening the people he cared about with his problems that he should have died and wasted away with years ago?</p><p>Lockon had become less and less certain of the role he was supposed to play in their lives ever since Lyle took his place as a Gundam Meister, but he was still certain, as much as he'd always been, that if he could do nothing else, then he at least had to fix the problems that he could. And wasn't this a problem that he could fix? If he knew he was hurting the people he cared about, then wasn't staying away from them the most obvious thing he could do to help? It hurt to think about, sure, and of course he didn't want to, but he'd been selfish enough for so long, and he'd seen the pain that it was causing everyone around him.</p><p>It was about time that he started making up for that, then. Wasn't it?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>merry christmas if you celebrate it, and if not, then i hope your day is good regardless! sorry to post such a downer chapter on a holiday, but still, i hope you enjoyed it &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. December 24, Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tieria and Anew talk.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Hey, Tieria?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The air was cold on his skin. Tieria and Anew stood outside on the porch, watching the lights start to turn on in all the houses around them as night began to fall. Lyle was out shopping for groceries; Tieria had offered to help, but they'd both insisted that he shouldn't have to, since he was a guest in their home. He hadn't wanted to argue, so he stayed at home with Anew. "What is it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to," Anew said, "and I understand if you don't, but I've been curious... What exactly is your relationship with Neil? Sorry, I don't want to be nosy, it's just — I know you're close, but I can't tell if that's in a platonic way, or..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, it's alright. We're... well..." He paused. The answer he'd had in his mind wouldn't leave his mouth; he realized, as he tried to say it out loud, that "friends" wasn't quite right. He was friends with Lyle and Anew, and with Setsuna and Allelujah and Mileina, but there was a fundamental incongruence with the way he felt about all of them and the way he felt about Neil. "Roommates", while technically accurate, didn't describe those feelings any better, either. "How do I put it? Neil is..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He trailed off again, for a different reason entirely this time. Maybe it was that the words coming to his mind were </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> accurate, now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's the most important person in my life," he said. He knew it to be true, and he had known for a long time, but the words seemed suddenly embarrassing as they came out of his mouth. "I'm... better than I used to be, because of him — because he helped me. It's because of him that I was able to become who I am now. But even aside from that, I just... enjoy his company. Everything feels easier when I'm with him. He makes me happy, so I... I want him to be happy, too — I want to make him happy, if I can."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face was warm. He averted his gaze, too flustered to meet Anew's eyes when she asked, "Do you love him?"</span>
</p><p><span>"I don't — I don't know." His voice was barely above a whisper. "Is this what that</span> <span>feels like?"</span></p><p>
  <span>"I... don't think I can answer that for you," she said. "You could feel that way about someone and still not have romantic feelings for them, I think. But if you care that much for him, I think it's something worth considering, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You love Lyle," he said. "How did you know?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was quiet for a moment. "Hmm... I didn't, for a while," she said. "I was... new to everything. I never really felt like one of the Innovators, even after I defected and joined them, but I didn't have any human experiences, either. So it took me a long time to figure out how I felt, and why. But it's like you said, really. I just wanted to be with him and make him happy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria said nothing for a long time, and neither did Anew. When he spoke again, he still sounded just as unsure as he felt. "I've never... been in love before."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You get used to it," she said. "It's not a bad feeling."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You said that I could feel like this about someone and still not have romantic feelings for them. What did you mean by that?" This situation was unfamiliar to him, but he was certain (or was he?) that if he simply gathered all the facts, then an answer would make itself clear. He was sure he could make this make sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not an expert on it, exactly," she admitted, "but you know what Setsuna's relationship with Princess Marina is like, don't you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," he said. "Right." Of course they all knew about Setsuna and Marina Ismail; it was no secret how close the two had been ever since their very first meeting — even to Tieria, who, back then, had no interest in the other Meisters and their relationships. Tieria had seen Setsuna change for the better just as he had, and he could bet that the princess had a hand in that as much as Neil had a hand in how he'd changed. In a way, he had Marina to thank for the way the world was now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think it's ever been in question that they care about each other a great deal," she said. "They do love each other, but they're not in love. They've made that clear enough by now, as I'm sure Mileina's told you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's the difference? Between loving someone and being in love with them, I mean."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think... that's up to you to decide." His thoughts must have shown on his face, because Anew laughed and said, "Sorry, I know that's not a very helpful answer. Feelings like this aren't something that can be really strictly defined. But, hey —" She nudged him in the side with her elbow. "That's what makes us human. Right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria was still learning how to let himself be imperfect. He knew now that the standards he'd held himself to when his sense of self-worth was pinned on his performance were unhealthy, but it was difficult to let go of ideas he'd had his whole life. He'd grown up with them, as much as an Innovade could grow up with anything, and for a time, those standards had been all that he was. It was a loss of an identity as much as it was the creation of a new one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That word made it easier. Knowing he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>human</span>
  </em>
  <span> made it easier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh and a smile, he said, "You're right. I think... I'm still not sure how I feel. But that's alright, isn't it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," she said. "That's alright."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not long after that, they heard the back door slide open. Lyle stood in the doorway with two paper grocery bags hanging off each arm. "Hey, it's freezing," he called. "Come back inside, you two."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria suddenly felt self-conscious, watching how Anew's face lit up at the sight of him. "Lyle!" She rushed to his side, and Tieria followed after her. "When did you get back?" she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just a minute ago," he said. "Have you been out here since I left?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not that long," she said. She glanced at Tieria when she asked, "It's not that cold, is it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded. "I thought it was a bit chilly, but Dublin is colder," he said. "And besides that, most Innovades have a higher resistance to heat and cold than other humans."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, right! That's true," Anew said. "Though, we can still experience hypothermia or hyperthermia, so it's not like we're completely immune to extreme temperatures. It doesn't do all that much for us, really."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think you think that because you never notice it," Lyle pointed out. "I mean, you're not gonna be standing outside and thinking about how not cold you are unless I come out and say, hey, it's really cold and I'm freezing so let's</span>
  <em>
    <span> go inside, please?</span>
  </em>
  <span>" He backed out of the doorway and tugged Anew in after him by the hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, okay, I hear you," she said. "Come on, Tieria."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He followed them into the kitchen and joined them in putting away the groceries Lyle had brought in. "Was it really that cold?" he asked. "It didn't seem too bad to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was being a little bit dramatic." Lyle shrugged. "It's not like I was going to die or anything, but it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> cold. What were you two doing out there, anyway?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We were just talking about — well..." Anew trailed off and glanced at Tieria.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was hesitant, as she must have realized, to share the details of their conversation with Lyle — some part of him, immature as it was, felt too embarrassed to admit the feelings that he was still struggling to define. He'd been alright talking about those feelings with Anew, albeit after a bit of hesitation, but something in his heart or his mind now protested fervently at even the thought of voicing them aloud. It was different with Anew, who he understood and who understood him in a way that only another Innovade could — they'd had separate, but parallel experiences with love and humanity, and he knew that when he confided his worries in her, she knew exactly how he felt, because she had dealt with the same worries herself. "We were talking about your brother," he said after a moment. "...Do you think he's alright?" That wasn't quite what they'd been talking about, but the question had been on his mind nonetheless — it had perhaps been one of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>only </span>
  </em>
  <span>things on his mind for the past few days, really.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took Lyle another moment longer to respond. "I don't know," he said. "I'm kind of... no, honestly, I'm really worried about him. I haven't been hearing much from him lately. It's not like we talk that often anyway, but with everything else going on..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tieria breathed a heavy sigh. "I thought so. He's been speaking to me less, too. I thought I might just be being overcautious, but if you noticed it too, then... I'm not so sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Honestly, I thought avoiding problems was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> thing," Lyle muttered. "But listen — I'll call him tomorrow, alright? And I'll let you know how he's doing. If he needs help or whatever, we'll... I don't know, we'll figure something out. Just don't worry too much about it, man. It's not good for you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think it's a bad thing that he's worried," Anew said. "If the situation calls for it..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course it's not a bad thing," he said. "I'm glad he's looking out for my brother. But it's no help to anyone if he's so worried about Neil that he's forgetting to take care of himself. So, Tieria, just... make sure you look out for yourself, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh." He knew that Lyle was right, of course — those words mirrored thoughts that he'd had about Neil plenty of times before, and he knew on a technical level that they applied to him, too. But it was different hearing someone say it out loud. It was... nice, to be reminded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will," he said. "Thank you, Lyle."</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"if all goes as planned this fic should end on new year's eve," i said, with mountains of schoolwork hovering over my head like a cartoon anvil held up by a string</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. December 25, Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lyle gives Lockon a call.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The blue light of the screen lit up the dark room. Lockon stared at his phone, briefly considering what would happen if he didn't answer the incoming call. On the third ring, he decided it wasn't worth the trouble and, begrudgingly, picked up. "Hello?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, it's me," his brother said. "How's it going?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lockon had been dreading and anticipating Lyle's call all day. It was an unspoken tradition of theirs; even after they went their separate ways, they always made a point to call each other three times a year: on their birthday in March, on the day of the terrorist attack, and today — Christmas. Their little sister's birthday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This year, she would have been 26.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The calls had stopped coming after Lockon stopped answering them, when he dropped off the face of the Earth to join Celestial Being. When Lyle had joined them and taken over Neil's position as Cherudim's pilot, they'd picked the habit right back up again, as if they'd never stopped in the first place. Even despite the constant arguments they got into on the Ptolemy, those disagreements suddenly seemed inconsequential on the first Christmas they'd spent together since Amy and their parents were killed. When Lyle came to Lockon's quarters in the middle of the night, he didn't need to say anything. Neither of them did. They'd never been any good at understanding each other, but it was easy to recognize each other's feelings when it came to this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So his answer to Lyle's question was one that they both were expecting: "Same as usual for this time of year." They both knew what that meant. But it wasn't the whole truth — of course the "usual" still entailed one of these episodes, but really, he was worse than he'd ever been. This was the first year since his parents and sister were killed that he'd ever felt so much like he wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>die.</span>
  </em>
  <span> With no one left to take revenge on, there was nowhere for Lockon to direct his guilt but towards himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it wasn't as if he could say any of that. "What about you? How've you been?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lyle sighed. "About what you'd expect. I... heard you're in Maryland?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, and I heard you stole my roommate," he said. "What's up with that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn't imagine that Lyle didn't notice him changing the subject, but if he did, he didn't mention it. "What, are you jealous?" he asked instead. "I just told him he could come here if he got lonely while you were gone, and he did. Didn't even take a full day after you left, even though he insisted he'd be fine when we talked the day before."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh," Lockon said. "That's... cute."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span> was that, now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't be weird," he sighed. Time to change the subject again. "Wait, how did he even — did he leave right after I did, or what? It takes even longer to fly to California than to Maryland, doesn't it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, but he won't tell me anything," Lyle said. "He only got here about an hour after you landed. I thought you might know something, but I guess not."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No idea. It's not like he could be flying Seravee or Seraphim, since they were destroyed..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right? But it's — whatever, it doesn't matter that much. That's not really my point."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay," he said slowly. He had a feeling that he already knew what Lyle was trying to say. "What is your point, then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His brother was quiet on the other end of the line. After a moment's hesitation, he spoke again, his voice suddenly quiet. "He misses you," Lyle said. "I don't — listen, I know I keep being annoying about you and Tieria, but I'm not actually trying to make any assumptions about you two, okay? I just... the way he talks about you, man. He's really worried about you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," he said. "I know." His chest ached. There was nothing more that he could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"When do you think you'll go back?" It wasn't a request — just a question, and nothing more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know." It was still only a partial truth. The answer that Lyle wanted to hear and the answer Lockon wanted to give were a gulf apart, and he was struggling to find a middle ground. He was struggling not to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe never, if we all get lucky.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Instead, he asked, "How's Tieria doing with you and Anew?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's... okay," Lyle said. "I mean, he's always gotten along really well with Anew, so I think they're happy to be spending some more time together. I think she's helping him be a bit less freaked out about..." He trailed off, and the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> went unspoken. "Yeah. He's good."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lockon breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad, then," he said. "Thanks for looking after him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it's no problem," Lyle said. "He's my friend, too, so... of course I want to help him out if I can. No big deal."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks," he said again. "So... was that all you wanted to talk about?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh, yeah, I guess? It was the only specific thing, really. I just called you because..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...Yeah, I know." It was her birthday. He didn't need to make Lyle say it. "You didn't have to, you know. I'm sure there's plenty of other people you could be talking to right now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure there are," he said. "My girlfriend's over in the other room right now. I could go hang out with her and Tieria, but I wanted to talk to my brother first."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, here I am." He hoped for Lyle's sake that the guilt he was feeling didn't come out in his voice. No one should have to put up with that but himself, especially not his brother — especially not today. "So... are you doing okay? You didn't really answer my question earlier."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well —" Lyle huffed. "You didn't really answer mine, either. Seriously, Neil, I'm asking about you. Tieria's not the only one who's worried."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't know what it was — maybe it was the fact that Lyle was refusing to let him keep changing the subject, or maybe it was the unnecessary reminder that he was worrying everyone he cared about, or maybe it was just that fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>name.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Whatever it was, it put an edge to his voice that he couldn't contain when he said, "You really don't have to do that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lyle was quiet for a moment, more than long enough for Lockon to regret it. He grimaced. "Sorry —"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the same time, Lyle spoke. "Listen, I —"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both went silent. "Sorry," Lockon said. "I didn't... I didn't mean it like that. I'm fine, okay? Seriously. You don't have to worry about me." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Or you shouldn't have to, anyway. </span>
  </em>
  <span>"So — just... talk to me. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lyle sighed. "Neil..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on," he said. "Just because I'm being a stubborn asshole doesn't mean you have to be, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not being a stubborn asshole," Lyle shot back. Lockon could hear the sudden fire in his voice. "I'm worried about you, okay? This is — this isn't normal, even for you. First you fly off to America without even giving Tieria a day's notice, and it doesn't even seem like this was some sort of planned thing, and you've barely been answering anyone's texts, and now you don't even know when you're going back to Dublin? I'm not saying you have to tell me or Tieria or whoever </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> that's going on, but there are people who care about you and want you to be happy, and we can't do anything to help if you keep pushing us away."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lockon grit his teeth. "But it isn't your responsibility to look after me. I can handle this on my own —"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This isn't about what you can or can't handle, okay? I don't give a shit about that. You're my brother, Neil. I want to help you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, you shouldn't have to, </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay?</span>
  </em>
  <span>" His grip was tight on his phone, voice strained as he spoke. "You shouldn't force yourself to care just because you're my brother. I'm not asking that of you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's not —"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's getting late," he said. "Go spend time with the people who actually matter, Lyle. I'm sorry if I ruined your night. I won't bother you with stuff like this anymore."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hung up before his brother could answer — before the tears could start welling up in his eye.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. December 27, Morning + Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lyle has an idea.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Oh — morning, Tieria." Lyle glanced up at Tieria, who had stopped halfway down the stairs when he heard Lyle greet him. "You look like you slept great last night."</p><p>"I didn't, actually," he sighed. He'd been awake most of the night, just as he'd been the night before, thinking about what Lyle had told him about his call with Neil. He hadn't shared every detail, but Tieria at least knew that Neil wasn't doing well.</p><p>"Yeah, I was being sarcastic," Lyle said. "You look like shit. There's coffee in the kitchen if you want it?"</p><p>"I'll..." Tieria paused. "Maybe. Thanks." In his exhausted state, he stumbled momentarily over the last step on the staircase, but Lyle didn't say anything. He brushed off the embarrassment and asked, "What about you? You seem... energetic. Did you sleep well?"</p><p>"Oh, no, I was so worried that I could barely sleep," he said. </p><p>"You don't seem like it."</p><p>He raised the mug in his left hand. "Coffee."</p><p>"Right. You know..." He walked over and sat down on the couch next to Lyle. "Neil said that caffeine doesn't work on him. I guess that isn't true for you, then?"</p><p>"Oh, yeah, no, I've always been more susceptible to that kind of stuff than him. But, uh. Anyway..." The cheerful smile suddenly left Lyle's face, and with a quiet sigh, he set the mug down on the table. "I take it you haven't heard from him?"</p><p>"No, I — I haven't. I've tried calling him a few times since Thursday, but he hasn't answered. I don't..." His hands were curled into tense fists in his lap. "I don't know what to do now."</p><p>"I had... an idea," Lyle said slowly, but he winced when Tieria looked up at him. "Don't get your hopes too high. It's not, like... a mission plan or anything. It's not much of a plan at all. I just — I mean, you said the other day that he sent you his flight information, so..."</p><p>"That's true. So... what?"</p><p>"So I think you should go to him."</p><p>Tieria blinked. "What?"</p><p>"Like I said, it's not much of anything," Lyle said with a grimace. "It's just... I mean, you clearly don't want to tell any of us how, but I'm sure you could get to Maryland pretty quickly if you wanted to, and I think... No, I'm <em> sure </em> that he needs someone there." That uncertain expression was gone from his face as he said, "You should go find him, Tieria."</p><p>"I — isn't that... invasive? He'd be angry. He wouldn't want me to —"</p><p>"Then you tell him this was my idea." Lyle seemed more and more sure of this plan as the seconds ticked by. "If he wants someone to be angry at, he can be angry at me. I'm not letting my brother isolate himself like this because he doesn't want to ask for help. If you won't do it, I'll go myself, but I really think that you're the person he needs to see right now. Neil is —" He cut himself off with a sudden sigh. "Well, that's not for me to tell. But I'm serious, Tieria — I won't make you do anything you don't want to, but <em> someone </em> has to be there for him. That's what you wanted, right? To help him?"</p><p>"I..." Still, he hesitated. "I did want to help him. I <em> do. </em> But... What if — what if he doesn't want me there? Or what if I make things worse?"</p><p>"Would you rather do nothing?"</p><p>"Well — no, of course not, but —"</p><p>"Tieria." Lyle looked him in the eye, holding his gaze with a stern intensity. "You care about him, right?"</p><p>"Yes." He didn't have to think about that answer for even a moment.</p><p>"So take a risk. If you keep getting caught up worrying about uncertainties, you'll never be able to act," Lyle said. "When you care about someone, sometimes you have to do things that you aren't completely sure of — even if you don't know for certain that it'll work out, even if there's a chance it'll backfire on you. Because sometimes, you look at someone, and you realize they're worth taking that chance."</p><p>"Are you talking about me, Lyle?"</p><p>Lyle's face went red as he turned around to look at Anew, who stood in the doorway to the kitchen with an amused smile on her face. "No — I mean, <em> yes, </em> but — how long have you been standing there?"</p><p>"Only a minute," she said. "I was in the kitchen, so I haven't heard anything else. What are you two talking about?"</p><p>They exchanged a quick glance. "I'm... trying to convince Tieria that I have good ideas," Lyle said.</p><p>Tieria rolled his eyes. "You said yourself that it 'wasn't much of a plan at all', didn't you? Where is this sudden confidence coming from?"</p><p>Anew looked at them expectantly. "So... what's this idea?"</p><p>"Lyle thinks I should go to Maryland to find Neil," Tieria sighed. "But I don't... I'm not sure. What do you think?"</p><p>"Oh," she said. "Well... hm." She stood quietly in the doorway for a few minutes, deep in thought, and Lyle and Tieria fell silent as well to let her think. When she looked back at them, she didn't look quite as certain as Lyle had, but her face was set and resolute when she said, "Yes. I think you should."</p><p>"See?" Lyle said. "You're never this indecisive about anything, Tieria. You've taken a bullet for this guy. If you can do that, why are you hesitating now?"</p><p>"That is <em> entirely different,</em>" he protested. "That was nothing. It wasn't even remotely life-threatening, and even if it was, my consciousness is stored in Veda, so my physical body isn't —"</p><p>"Yeah, but you didn't know that at the time. How is it different? If anything, shouldn't this be easier?" Lyle asked.</p><p>"It's not easier at all," Tieria said. "In this case, I'm not the only one who'll get hurt if I'm not careful enough. I can't risk Neil's feelings like that."</p><p>Anew sat down next Lyle on the couch and leaned forward to look at Tieria. "So... it sounds like you just aren't confident enough that you can help him," she said. "Am I right?"</p><p>"I... guess so, yes."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I — that's — well —" He stuttered, caught off-guard by the simple question. "Why do <em> you </em> think I should go?"</p><p>"Well, for one," she said, holding up her index finger, "I think it'd probably be better for you if you put all that anxious energy to use instead of letting it keep building up like you've been doing. Second —" she held up another finger — "from what I remember of when we worked together on the bridge crew, and from what Lyle has told me, I can't see Neil asking for help, no matter how much he might need it. If you wait for him to say it's okay, it'll never happen. And, third... I think you kind of want to go?" She smiled sheepishly. "I mean, I could be wrong, of course, but I don't think you'd be here letting us argue with you like this if you were completely against the idea, right? Like Lyle said — you aren't usually a very indecisive person."</p><p>"...You're right," he conceded. "I do want to. But — why are you so convinced that I can help him? What do you think I can do for him?"</p><p>"Seriously?" Lyle said. "Tieria, you've always understood Neil the best out of any of us. You know that, right? You can just look at him and tell when he's angry or upset, even when he's trying to hide it, and you're always the one who calls him out on it when no one else will. You're half the reason Neil and I get along at all now — remember when I first joined Celestial Being? You and Anew were the ones who actually got us to sit down and talk about everything that was happening instead of just yelling at each other about it."</p><p>"That's... true," he said. Tensions had been high between the twins when Setsuna recruited Lyle to take over Neil's position as the pilot of Cherudim — Neil thought that Lyle shouldn't risk his safety by joining Celestial Being, and Lyle was angry that he was chosen as Neil's <em> replacement. </em> Their mutual frustration manifested in their constant arguments over things that didn't matter, and it had been Tieria and Anew who took notice and helped them reconcile. "But..."</p><p>"I don't think you have to do anything special," Anew said. "It doesn't have to be some... grand dramatic gesture, or anything like that. I'm sure that just being there would be more than enough."</p><p>Lyle nodded. "Right. Like I said, you don't have to if you really don't think you can, but..."</p><p>"No." His mouth made the choice for him before his mind could catch up, but as he spoke, he felt more and more sure of his decision. "I think... you're right. I'll do it. I'll go to him."</p><p>He wasn't certain that this was a good choice, not really. But there were a number of factors that made him realize that it was the right one to make — like the way that Anew and Lyle smiled at him in response without a trace of doubt in their expressions, or like the still-unnamed feelings that had only grown stronger in his heart since he first voiced them aloud, or maybe like the drowsiness he hadn't yet shaken off that was surely inhibiting his decision-making skills. Those factors all came together into one determined whole, and he didn't know if this would work out, but he knew that he was willing to risk it anyway.</p><p>-</p><p>[ 1:19 P.M. ]<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> I don't know how you talked me into this.<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> What, exactly, did you expect me to do after I got here?<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> I don't even know where he is.<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> honestly i was hoping you'd be able to figure that part out on your own<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> i wasn't really thinking about it<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy: </b> you're glad i convinced you though right? i'm a great friend and you appreciate my advice and good ideas?<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> Somehow, yes, all of those things are true.<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> aww i was expecting you to disagree that's so sweet of you<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> thanks tieria<br/><b>Lyle Dylandy:</b> my advice for you: if he's left the hotel at all he's probably standing in a field brooding or something<br/><b>Tieria Erde:</b> I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, Lyle.</p><p>It made the most sense that Neil would be in the town that was closest to the airport where he'd landed, so that was where Tieria went. He had realized belatedly that this wouldn't be as simple as Anew and Lyle had made it seem when they were trying to convince him of this plan; now, as he walked aimlessly through old, crowded streets, he was increasingly aware of how unlikely it was that he would succeed at all. He had no idea of where Neil could be — for all he knew, he could even be in a different city entirely. The longer he searched, and the longer he found nothing, the more nervous he got, and the worries that he'd had to push down to come here began to creep back into his mind. He didn't know what would happen if he found Neil. He didn't know what would happen if he didn't. He was treading unfamiliar ground, feeling more uncertain with each step — how could he be sure if this was the right choice when he barely even knew what he was doing?</p><p>But, still, Lyle was right. He didn't regret the choice he'd made, even as hours passed and his search turned up nothing. Because this, at the very least, felt like he was doing <em> something </em> — even this was better than continuing to wait restlessly at Lyle and Anew's house in aimless hopes that Neil would be the one to reach out first. He had to do this. He didn't have any other choice.</p><p>When the sun had set and he'd still had no luck, Tieria decided to retire his search for the night. He had passed by a café earlier, on the quieter side of town; he would stop by there, then, so that he could rest his legs as he considered what to do next.</p><p>The café was quiet save for the ambient hum of machinery behind the counter and the sound of idle chatter from the few other customers inside. Tieria let the sounds wash over him, content to sit in silence on his own as he stared into a cup of hot chocolate and thought over what he'd done today and what he should do next.</p><p>So he hadn't found Neil. He wasn't going to give up yet — he would just have to resume his search tomorrow. It would probably be better to stay in town overnight rather than return to California and come back in the morning, although he was reluctant to spend money on a hotel room that he didn't technically need — but, still, it was better to waste money than fuel, wasn't it? Ian Vashti would probably think so. In any case, he had to keep trying. This was the only way he had now to contact Neil, since he had stopped returning anyone's calls. Tieria's more rational mind pointed out that it seemed like a rather miniscule reason to come all this way — that he was likely blowing things far out of proportion. Every other part of him insisted that there was something deeply wrong, and that he had to do something to help.</p><p>Tieria wasn't one to ignore those senses when they came to him. He was human, after all.</p><p>He quickly finished off the drink he'd ordered and was back on his feet soon after, ready to leave and find himself somewhere to stay for the night. There was a hotel on the other side of town — it might be unsafe to walk there at this time of night, so he would have to catch a taxi, or he could see if there were still buses running right now — but maybe he should just walk, anyway. He knew he could handle himself if he got into a dangerous situation. But, then, what would he do if the hotel was fully booked? It was still the holiday season — people would be travelling, so it wasn't unlikely...</p><p>He didn't get a chance to make a decision about any of that, but it turned out that he didn't have to. As he stood outside the café, he was jarred out of his busy thoughts by the sound of footsteps to his left. The noise struck him with a sudden, unshakable sense of déjà vu, and he knew subconsciously what that meant before his mind could decipher it for itself.</p><p>He turned his head. Standing a few feet away with a grocery bag in his hand, looking bewildered and more exhausted than Tieria had seen him in years, was Neil.</p><p>"...Tieria?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>in this chapter, lyle mentions offhand an incident where tieria took a bullet for neil. this never happened in canon, but the details of this au are so vague that i can insert anything i want in the space of s1e22-s2e25 and no one can tell me i'm wrong. for example: neil went to that a-laws party with tieria and his outfit was great. i came up with that just now, and it's canon forever.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. December 27, Evening</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tieria and Lockon talk. (Finally.)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Neil," Tieria said, taking a few steps closer. Relief was written all across his face. "You're here."</p><p>Lockon could only stare at him. "...<em>You're </em> here," he said. "I'm not dreaming, am I?"</p><p>"You're not dreaming," Tieria confirmed.</p><p>"Oh, great," he said. "That's cool."</p><p>Then his mind caught up. He jerked his hand away, even though Tieria hadn't touched it, and said, "Wait — why are you here?" It sounded angrier than it should have. Was he angry? He hadn't thought he was. He was tired, mostly, and confused. He didn't want to be angry at Tieria.</p><p>Maybe he was just angry at himself.</p><p>Tieria stepped back. He hesitated for a moment, seeming unsure of how to respond. "I... Lyle told me to come here," he said slowly. "I was — we were worried. And you haven't been answering your phone, so..."</p><p>"So you —" He cut himself off with a sigh. It was dark, and it was late. Tieria looked worried, but he also looked <em> exhausted. </em> How long had he been here? How long had he been wearing himself out for Lockon's sake? "...Okay. Okay. Just... come with me. I'll hail a cab, and we can talk at the hotel."</p><p>He kept walking, and after a moment, Tieria followed after him. "What's in your bag?" he asked.</p><p>"It's..." Lockon glanced down at the bag in his hand. "...food." A generous description, but technically accurate.</p><p>"Hm," Tieria said.</p><p>That was the end of that conversation. They were both silent through the thirteen-minute car ride back to the hotel.</p><p>[ 11:42 P.M. ]<br/><b>neil:</b> hey buddy <br/><b>neil:</b> hey <br/><b>neil: </b> hey <br/><b>neil sent an image.</b> <b><br/></b> <b>neil:</b> what is this. <br/><b>neil:</b> hey <br/><b>lyle:</b> bro what do you want <br/><b>neil:</b> why did you send him here <br/><b>lyle:</b> why are you texting ME about it?? <br/><b>lyle:</b> TALK TO HIM <br/><b>lyle:</b> he is Literally right there <br/><b>neil:</b> you said you wanted to help him why did you send him HERE <br/><b>lyle:</b> come on it's not like i forced him to do anything <br/><b>lyle:</b> you need to not be isolating yourself right now <br/><b>neil:</b> how is that your choice to make in any way <br/><b>lyle:</b> i know you're pissed off at me and i get that but for real, can you talk to your roommate instead of yelling at me <br/><b>neil:</b> we're in a cab there's another PERSON in here. i'm not having this conversation with him right now <br/><b>lyle:</b> okay actually fair <br/><b>lyle:</b> in any case i'm not having this conversation with you right now either <br/><b>lyle:</b> so you can call me when you're done talking to tieria</p><p>He decided not to answer that.</p><p>As soon as they were in the elevator going up to Lockon's floor, Tieria spoke. "I'm sorry," he said. "I realize this is probably uncomfortable for you. That... wasn't my intention. If you want me to leave, I will."</p><p>He did want Tieria to leave. He didn't want him to keep doing this — to keep worrying himself sick over someone who didn't deserve it. Lockon couldn't stand the thought that he was the cause behind the exhaustion in Tieria's eyes, that he had done all this to someone that he loved, and that Tieria still loved him back enough to come all this way for him. He could tell him to go back. He should tell him to go back.</p><p>"No," he said instead, and he hated himself for it. "Please don't apologize, it's fine. I just... You just surprised me. I wasn't exactly expecting to see you here. <em> I'm </em> sorry."</p><p>Tieria gave him a dumbfounded look. "What are you sorry for?" he asked incredulously.</p><p>The elevator stopped. "You're obviously stressed out," Lockon said. "Because of me. So... Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. C'mon, my room's this way."</p><p>"That's a ridiculous thing to apologize for," Tieria said. His voice lowered as they stepped out of the elevator. "The thought never even occurred to me. If there's something troubling you, of course I want to help."</p><p>
  <em> "He's my friend, too, so... of course I want to help him out if I can," Lyle said. "No big deal." </em>
</p><p>That was the second time he'd heard something like that recently. It had made sense when Lyle said it, but now that the same sentiment was being applied to him, it felt somehow wrong, or dissonant. Like he hadn't earned it.</p><p>"Thanks," he said, because that was what he was supposed to say. How he really felt about it mattered less. "I appreciate it."</p><p>"You're welcome." After a moment's hesitation, Tieria said, "So... how have you been doing?"</p><p>"Fine. Good," Lockon said. "I've been... good. Yeah."</p><p>"Is that so." He sounded unconvinced. The three unanswered calls to Lockon's phone from the past two days probably explained that.</p><p>"Uh-huh." He waved his room card in front of the scanner by the door and, for what was probably the first time since he'd gotten here, flicked on the light switch inside. "Come on in." He dropped his bag by the door, and Tieria took a glance at it as he stepped inside.</p><p>"Oh," he said. It was full of several bags of brand-name chips and king-sized candy bars. "...Hm."</p><p>"Like I said —" Lockon kicked his shoes off. "Food. You can put your coat wherever."</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>The silence that fell in the space after that question was like a vacuum as Lockon tried to formulate an answer that would convince him. When he glanced at Tieria, he was looking up at him with an expression that he couldn't read as anything other than achingly sincere.</p><p>He looked away. "I told you," he said, "I'm fine."</p><p>Tieria hung his coat on the doorknob and sat down on the bed. "I wish you wouldn't lie so much," he said quietly. "What are you trying to prevent?"</p><p>Lockon stayed standing by the door. "Do we have to talk about this?" he asked with a weak smile. "I really don't think this is going to work out the way you want it to, Tieria."</p><p>"I don't know what you mean by that," he said. "How do you think I want this to 'work out?'"</p><p>"Like —" Lockon shrugged his coat off and tossed it on the floor by his shoes. "You're persistent enough that I'm forced to talk, and I tell you about everything that's been going on, and at the end of it I thank you for coming all this way and I agree to come home with you. Like a shitty romance novel, or something. That's not going to happen."</p><p>He had said the word "romance" without thinking about it. His eyes were fixed on the floor, but he could imagine how Tieria's face would flush after hearing that. "That's... Of course that's not going to happen," he said. "I wasn't expecting it to."</p><p>"So what were you expecting?"</p><p>"Nothing," he said. He stood up and crossed the room again, to take Lockon's hand in his. "I didn't know what I was going to do when I found you, so I couldn't have predicted what would happen after that at all. Lyle said something to me, about how... sometimes you care about someone enough to take risks like that for them. So, I'm taking a risk. And it's not... I'm not expecting, or even asking you to tell me anything. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. But I want to help in whatever way I can, if... if you would let me."</p><p>There was something stuck in his throat. Tieria had come here for him, had spent hours out searching in this city for him, had been worrying himself sick for days because of <em> him. </em> Why was Lockon letting him do this? Why was he still <em> here? </em></p><p>This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he kept lying, or that he had told Tieria to stay but was still refusing his help, or that he had put him through all this just because he couldn't draw a line between what he wanted and what he needed. He'd spent far too long avoiding what he had to do in favor of what was more comfortable, all while ignoring how it had affected everyone else around him. Something had to change. <em> Lockon </em> had to change.</p><p>So, he would start by telling the truth.</p><p>He squeezed Tieria's hand once and let it go. In a voice that threatened to break if he brought it above a whisper, he said, "You need to go home, Tieria."</p><p>The silence that came after that crashed like a thunderous wave in his ears. He stared down at the floor, knowing that if he looked up and saw Tieria's face, he wouldn't be able to hold his resolve.</p><p>The sound of his uncertain voice threatened to have the same effect. "...What?"</p><p>"Go home," he said again. He hoped that Tieria wouldn't hear how his voice shook. "Tieria, you're <em> exhausted. </em> Please don't do this to yourself. You shouldn't have to do all of this for me, it's not — it's not fair to you."</p><p>"Why are you saying this?" Tieria's voice hardened to steel.</p><p>"Because I should have said it earlier," he said. "I don't want to lie to you. So, I'm not."</p><p>Tieria reached out for his hand again, and he recoiled from it. "So you're pushing me away instead?"</p><p>"I'm letting you go," Lockon muttered with a stiff shrug. "You deserve better than this — than <em> me. </em>"</p><p>"So I don't get any say in it." His voice sounded angrier by the second. Lockon winced at his harsh tone. He couldn't stop himself from stealing a glance up at Tieria's face, but — he didn't look angry. He looked <em> heartbroken. </em></p><p>There was a reason Lockon had been staring so intently at the carpet. "Sorry," he said with a shaky breath. When he smiled, it was out of nothing but necessity. If he didn't smile, he would probably start to cry. "I know I'm being a dick."</p><p>"Yes," Tieria hissed, "<em>you are. </em> Cutting me off so suddenly, and for whose sake? Mine? You're acting as if you have the right to decide how I should feel about you — do you think I'm incompetent? Why do you feel the need to protect me from my own feelings?"</p><p>"But this isn't healthy for you," Lockon said. His voice rose to match Tieria's. "You could be happier — hell, you have been happier without me! You don't have to feel obligated to care about someone who just keeps hurting you, Tieria."</p><p>"Do you think I'm doing this because I feel <em> obligated </em>to?" Tieria asked. "Neil —"</p><p>"<em>Please don't call me that right now.</em>" The words rushed out of his lungs before his mind had decided to say them. His shaky smile had turned to a scowl. "God — <em> shit, </em> sorry. I just — I — I can't —"</p><p>"...Okay," Tieria said, voice quieting. "Okay. Then... Lockon." He paused for a moment, waiting until Lockon nodded to continue. "Listen, if... if your decisions have ever hurt me, it's only because you keep making decisions that hurt yourself. I don't... You said I could be happier without you, and maybe that's true. But I don't want that kind of happiness." He reached for Lockon's hand again, and this time, he didn't pull away. "I need you to know that — that I understand why you might think my care for you is out of a sense of obligation. I know that I've had problems in the past, being over-reliant on Veda, but... this isn't the same thing. I'm <em> choosing </em> you. And when you say... when you tell me to leave without you, to stop reaching out to you because you think it would be better for me — when you do that, you're taking that choice away from me, and that... that hurts. It makes me feel as if — as if I'm not a <em> person. </em> Do you understand what I'm saying?"</p><p>"I'm — trying to," Lockon said weakly. He couldn't possibly say that Tieria was wrong, not when it concerned his feelings like this, but he still couldn't understand why he would ever want to be with someone who had hurt him in this way. This was his fault, and he was hurting Tieria even when he tried to make things right, and he wanted to die, because that had to be easier than this. "But I just — I — I don't — know — why —"</p><p>The words wouldn't form themselves through breaths that were becoming shallower and shallower. His head ached with the effort of holding back tears.</p><p>"...Stop," Tieria said. "Stop. You're shaking."</p><p>"Sorry," he choked out, not sure what he was apologizing for.</p><p>Tieria shook his head. "Don't say that. Come on," he said. Still holding onto Lockon's hand, he gently pulled him away from the door and over to the bed. "You need to sit down."</p><p>He was too focused on trying to keep his breathing under control to argue. Tieria sat next to him on the foot of the bed, not quite close enough for their shoulders to touch. "You know," he murmured, "it's okay if you need to cry."</p><p>He didn't want to hear that from Tieria. It wasn't okay, was it? How could it be, when he had already put Tieria through so much hurt over the past week — over the past year, really — because he was too selfish to let him go? A desperately angry part of him couldn't stand the sound of those words, couldn't stand the idea of crying here and now, couldn't stand the kindness in Tieria's eyes or the fact that he had come all this way for him or that he was <em> still </em> trying to help, even with Lockon pushing back as best he could. That part of him wanted to do anything but cry, but the rest of him —</p><p>The rest of him had been waiting for someone to tell him that for years.</p><p>Tieria let go of his hand to place a hesitant arm around his shoulders. Lockon fell into the touch without thinking about it, holding one hand over his mouth and clutching at the fabric of Tieria's sweater with the other as he shook with almost-silent sobs. Tieria said nothing — only pulled him closer, holding Lockon tight to his chest.</p><p>When he was younger, when he still let himself cry — when that happened, his mother or his father would sit him down and hold him in their lap, soothing him with hushed whispers and rubbing his back until his tears had dried and he felt better again. The memories were long faded in his mind by the passage of time, but he could still remember how it felt. He could still remember the warmth of their arms around him.</p><p>This wasn't the same. It was nothing like them; Tieria's touch was stiff and uncertain, his hands cold against Lockon's back from the winter air outside. It wasn't the same, but...</p><p>But, somehow, it was still comforting. As he sat there crying into Tieria's chest, clinging to his sweater like it was the only thing keeping him breathing at all, he felt the smallest bit better. By the time he had stopped crying, he could almost imagine that things would be okay.</p><p>"Sorry," he mumbled. He spoke quietly enough that he wasn't sure for a moment whether Tieria heard him at all, but he felt a tug on the bit of fabric he was holding onto as he pulled away to look at Lockon.</p><p>"Why are you apologizing?" he asked.</p><p>"Because — because this is shitty," Lockon said quietly. He couldn't meet Tieria's eyes. "You were saying — you were talking about how I've... how I've been hurting you, and I'm — I'm just making it about me. That's not fair. I'm sorry."</p><p>Tieria was silent for a long moment before he spoke again. "I'm not expecting an apology for anything from you while you're like this," he said. "I shouldn't have... Maybe I shouldn't have said all of that. I don't want you to feel like you have to apologize."</p><p>"That doesn't make any sense," Lockon scoffed. "I messed up. Why shouldn't I apologize for that?"</p><p>"You should apologize," Tieria said. "We do need to talk about all of that, but... not now. I don't want you to apologize just because you feel guilty, or because you feel like you <em> have </em> to in order to make things right. That wouldn't be an apology that I could accept. Does that... make sense?"</p><p>"Kind of." He wasn't sure.</p><p>Tieria's arms tightened around his shoulders. "You don't have to think too much about it. Just let me take care of you right now," he said quietly. "Okay?"</p><p>He suddenly felt like he might start crying again. "...Okay," he said. "Okay."</p><p>And it was.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tumblr: tieria-erde<br/>twitter: iocktie</p></blockquote></div></div>
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